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JANET STREET-PORTER: Harry's found a bride with a family even more messed up than the Windsors?

By Janet Street-Porter For Mailonline

Published: 16:28 EDT, 16 May 2018 | Updated: 16:51 EDT, 16 May 2018

A miracle has happened! Over the last 48 hours I've experienced a new range of emotions.

It's not my hormones in overdrive for the world's most unlikely pregnancy, or the imminent announcement of my wedding number five.

I haven't bought a pet, turned vegan or hugged Piers Morgan.

Something far more radical is going on - I've morphed into a sympathetic caring human being.

Someone who feels empathy for a future member of royalty - a bunch of pampered, privileged toffs.

Thomas, Sandra, Tracy and Tyler - who wouldn't look out of place in the next series of Hicksville Big Brother - are already polishing their anecdotes about their blameless relative Meghan for anyone with a cheque book and the right amount of cash. (Above, Tracy and Tyler in London)
Thomas, Sandra, Tracy and Tyler - who wouldn't look out of place in the next series of Hicksville Big Brother - are already polishing their anecdotes about their blameless relative Meghan for anyone with a cheque book and the right amount of cash. (Above, Tracy and Tyler in London)

Thomas, Sandra, Tracy and Tyler - who wouldn't look out of place in the next series of Hicksville Big Brother - are already polishing their anecdotes about their blameless relative Meghan for anyone with a cheque book and the right amount of cash. (Above, Tracy and Tyler in London)

I've not been kind about Meghan Markle in the past, but I wouldn't wish her relatives on my worst enemies.

Look at that line-up of tawdry characters pushing their trollies loaded with cheap luggage through Heathrow airport this week - men in vests!

Never trust any bloke who gets off a long-distance flight with hairy arm pits - a sure sign of a lack of class.

Thomas, Sandra, Tracy and Tyler - who wouldn't look out of place in the next series of Hicksville Big Brother - are already polishing their anecdotes about their blameless relative Meghan for anyone with a cheque book and the right amount of cash.

What has hard-working, smart and ambitious Meghan done to deserve this lot?

She was a babysitter when half of them could barely speak.

She's worked hard to improve herself, ruthlessly kept in shape with militant yoga while some of them look like they've been loafing around in baggy shorts dishing up pizzas and slurping beer.

Meghan's father (pictured with her) may be in Windsor wearing a morning suit (if someone can buy him one) on Saturday or he may be in an operating theatre having heart surgery - who knows?
Meghan's father (pictured with her) may be in Windsor wearing a morning suit (if someone can buy him one) on Saturday or he may be in an operating theatre having heart surgery - who knows?

Meghan's father (pictured with her) may be in Windsor wearing a morning suit (if someone can buy him one) on Saturday or he may be in an operating theatre having heart surgery - who knows?

The cast of characters in the Markle chamber of horrors includes a cannabis farmer, a Domino's Manager, a recovering alcoholic and the spiteful half-sister she no longer appears to speak to.

Not forgetting the 'intensely private' bankrupt dad who changes his story from day to day.

The former lighting director may be in Windsor wearing a morning suit (if someone can buy him one) on Saturday or he may be in an operating theatre having heart surgery - who knows?

For once, the characters and their stories outperform anything soaps could dream up - this is beyond satire.

Meghan has my sympathy, because every one of us has ghastly relatives, family members we've airbrushed out of our lives, people we would never choose as friends, let alone family members.

She has the misfortune to be lumbered with a whole coachload.

With ghastly relatives like hers, Meghan will find life as a new member of our dysfunctional Royal family is pretty dull
With ghastly relatives like hers, Meghan will find life as a new member of our dysfunctional Royal family is pretty dull

With ghastly relatives like hers, Meghan will find life as a new member of our dysfunctional Royal family is pretty dull

Weddings always divide as many people in a family as they unite - it's a chance to settle scores (with restricted guest lists) and create a two-tiered system where some lucky people get gold passes to every part of the day, some are granted silver membership to a few drinks and a sausage roll if they're lucky, or the common plebs who have to make do with a fleeting glimpse from the roadside in dubious weather with no refreshments.

The father of any bride is in a difficult position - he will be proud his gorgeous daughter is marrying someone she adores, but fearful he might mess up his pivotal role in the proceedings.

At my first wedding, Dad insisted on driving me to Chelsea Register Office. We'd not been speaking for nine months because I'd cancelled my previous engagement.

When my parents found out my new husband-to-be was posh - and I would have a double-barreled name, things improved slightly.

Like Meghan's father, my dad blew hot and cold, but in the end he drove me to the ceremony.

I was wearing a beautiful dress, but as I stepped out of the car, he was so nervous he slammed the door on my leg and we had a furious row in the street.

At lunch in a fashionable restaurant afterwards, my mother tried to steal the flowers.

The manager had to present her with them and I have a picture of her in the car park hoisting her trophies aloft. I died with embarrassment.

Meghan has wisely not invited the motley crew of Markles, and why should she?

I didn't invite any of my cousins and only one aunt and uncle.

Meghan's lot could hardly be equipped for small talk with Princess Anne or Prince Edward - I can't imagine they know anything about equine blood lines or musical theatre, although her nephew TJ Dooley junior (married to husband Ronnie) has been photographed in drag, clutching his fake breasts.

His brother Tyler (a cannabis farmer) is producing a new strain to celebrate the occasion- Markle Sparkle, retailing at over $200 an ounce.

Their dad - Meghan's half brother - a glass fitter also called Thomas, has not flown to the UK, but posted offensive remarks about Meghan when he discovered he was not on the Windsor guest list.

Meghan's half sister Samantha Grant has been blabbing to anyone who contacts her (for cash of course), claiming that it was her idea to set up their confused and well meaning father with a paparazzi photographer, although she couldn't be sure exactly how much he got paid.

Samantha and Meghan allegedly haven't spoken for over ten years, so her insights on the new member of the Royal family will be a little sketchy.

Samantha is publishing a book entitled The Diary of Princess Pushy's sister.

When I appeared on I'm a Celebrity, my sister flogged pictures from our family album to a gossip magazine.

Someone else sold my Brownie pictures.

My sister revealed I had tried to kill her when we were 8 and 10.

My fourth ex-husband sold his story twice to different tabloids, claiming I was 'a beast in bed'.

That's why I have sympathy for Meghan. With ghastly relatives like these, she'll find life as a new member of our dysfunctional Royal family is pretty dull. 

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